XZ: an event-guard play
XZ: an event-guard play
XZ: an event-guard play
(Z is sitting in a chair at a table, when X walks in from stage right, he doesn’t sit down at the table with Z)
X: What you experienced there wasn’t real.
It was a hallucination, a delusion, a virtual concoction.
The people you saw, they didn’t exist.
The things that you thought happened, they really didn’t.
But you’re on the path to being better now.
Z: What?
X: You’re in a place that will make you better, get you back in touch with reality. You just take it easy, relax.
(X exits, Z looks around, confused. Looks at his own hands, front and back, then looks around again. X2 enters from stage left)
X2: What you experienced there wasn’t real.
It was a hallucination, a delusion, a virtual concoction.
Z: I know, the other guy told me.
X2: What other guy?
Z: You know, the other one who visited me here, he already told me.
X2: No one has visited you here, you’ve been here by yourself.
(Pause, Z looks at X2, disbelievingly)
X2: If you saw someone before, I’m afraid to say— but that must have been a hallucination.
Z: Impossible.
X2: I’m afraid to say, not only is it possible, it is most definitely the case.
Z: No, I know that is not the case because he said the exact same thing as you are saying now.
X2: Excuse me?
Z: Yes, he came in here and said I was experiencing delusions, hallucinations, things I thought were real weren’t, the things I thought had happened didn’t happen. I have heard all of this already.
X2: Impossible.
Z: Exactly, impossible. If he said the exact same thing but didn’t exist then I would have somehow predicted the future exactly. This is impossible. Unless—
X2: Unless what?
Z: Unless you are also a hallucination.
X2: I am most certainly not.
Z: Then what is happening to me?
(X3 enters from behind Z)
X3: What you experienced there wasn’t real.
Z: Ok.
X3: It was a hallucination, a delusion, a virtual concoction.
Z: I changed my mind, I don’t think I am hallucinating, I think I am being fucked with.
(Z pauses, drumming fingers on the table)
X3: (pause) Fucked with?
Z: Yes, fucked with.
X3: I’m afraid that isn’t the case. You see, the people you saw, they didn’t exist.
The things that you thought happened, they really didn’t. But you’re on the path to being better now. Reality has become extremely distorted for you.
Z: Yes I agree, reality is distorted, but I am not hallucinating, you are fucking with me.
X3: I’m afraid that isn’t the case.
Z: Who cares what you’re afraid of, fuck you.
(Pauses)
X3: Did you… did you say fuck you?
Z: Yeah, fuck you.
X3: That’s extremely belligerent. Sir, please don’t talk to me in that manner.
Z: Fuck you go fuck yourself.
(X2 exits)
Z: ( turns to X2 ) Hey, where are you going? Don’t leave me with this creep?
X3: Who are you talking to?
Z: Oh don’t you fucking start.
X3: Did you see somebody else just now?
Z: I already went over this with the other guy. I couldn’t have predicted exactly what you would say, therefore you must be fucking with me. Or—
X3: —or what?
Z: Or you must be fucking with me.
X3: I’m afraid that you are very sick.
Z: (pauses, sighs, looks down). Fine, what is it that you want to do.
X3: I’m afraid I can’t help you unless you stop being so belligerent.
Z: I’m not belligerent.
X3: Not to worry, we can fix that too. Just wait here.
(X3 exits)
X4: What you experienced there wasn’t real.
It was a hallucination, a delusion, a virtual concoction.
The people you saw, they didn’t exist.
The things that you thought happened, they really didn’t.
But you’re on the path to being better now.
Z: I know, I know, the last three already told me?
X4: The last three?
Z: Yes, the last three people.
X4: I’m afraid it was just me and my collegue.
Z: Look he said that I was being belligerent, but I was not belligerent. He was fucking with me.
X4: I, I’m not quite sure I understand.
(X enters) X: Hello again, how are you doing?
Z: I’m— I’m sorry, the last two— or rather, I saw two people come after you and— well they told me I was belligerent.
X: Sorry, it is just my collegue and I here, if there’s anything you want, anything you need I can help you out. Would you like a water?
Z: Yes, that would be good.
X: Not a problem. Four, will you please get him a water?
X4: not a problem.
(Z pauses, looks angrily at X)
Z: Did you just call him “four”?
X: Pardon?
Z: You did, you called him four!
X: I called him Phil, his name is Phil.
Z: His name is not Doctor Phil, it’s Doctor Four! He’s the fourth one you sent, don’t fuck with me!
(X4 comes back with the water)
Z: Thank you. What’s your name?
X4: Four
Z: You motherfucker!
X: Phil, his name is Phil.
X4: That’s right, Phil. Was my dad’s name as well, Phil.
Z: That’s it, I’m done with this.
(Z lunges at X4, X runs and holds back Z, X2 and X3 come from stage left to restrain Z and they pull him into the chair, tie his legs and arms to the chair, and X2 and X3 exit stage right)
X: I’m sorry, we had to restrain you.
Z: (struggling) Let me out of this fucking chair!
X: I’m sorry but this is for everyone’s safety.
Z: I know you know there’s four of you! I know it, you know it, and the audience know it (pointing to the stage front/audience).
(X laughing)
X: Ok, well, hopefully your adoring fans can wait a little longer, just try to relax ok? We’ll be back.
Z: *shaking at the chair* Somebody let me out of this chair!!!
Z: you, you all watching! Let me out of this chair!
(Z makes eye contact and describes audience members, asking them specifically to untie him and let him out of the chair, eventually, somebody does, and the Xs return, improvisation between Z, audience members, and Xs for remainder of the play about making sure Z stays in the chair)